Thursday, December 31, 2009

All Previous Unsaved Data Will Be Lost..

If its one place i can be completely and no holds barred honest, its here. 2008 and 2009 were years that i am not proud of. i took my first drink in 2008...i began to smoke somewhat heavy in 2009, and its brought me to a place in life that i really wish to withdraw from. Made a couple friends and lost more than a few...i hate to make New Years resolutions because they simply dont work. however, since we're on the turn of a decade, mentally, i feel this is my chance to come anew.

during these last two years, ive intoxicated myself into a zone of comfort. i guess its because i lost something in early 2008 and ive been subconsciously tryna replace that feeling with another. From September 15th 2006 up until February 1st, 2008, i was in a very committed relationship with a young lady that i was almost certain i would be with for the rest of my life. Long story short, it didn't end up that way and because i spent so much my time and love on a person, the abrupt ending broke me...

for a year and a half, i've tried to walk around like things didn't affect me...i looked at emotional vulnerability as being weakness...after that relationship, i went from female to female (not in a sleezy way) trying to create environments similar to that of which i once had to fill that empty void in my life....time and time again, i would fall short in my attempt to choose a person that i could emotionally connect with. with each attempt, i began to fall deeper and deeper into the proverbial pit of emptiness...which is when i discovered ways to temporarily escape from sorrow's stranglehold. i took my first drink in April of 2008 and it was the first time i had been under any kind of influence. Being drunk actually felt GREAT, and i needed that break from reality since i was still hurt from the breakup, as it was still fresh in my mind..

i thought the feeling of alcoholic intoxication couldn't be matched until the first time i had smoked weed, which came later that year on October 30th, 2008...i've always been good with remembering exact dates...the weed made things a million times as fun while sober...i laughed, joked, and more often, vibed to music in a way that i could have never imagined...that was when i first started...after a while, i needed to smoke more and more to get the same feeling i did when i was new to the drug. after a while, weed was no longer an emotional stimulant and it became a depressant. while high, i began to think of how my life SHOULD be instead of what it was. and for anyone who smokes, you know that marijuana makes you focus so hard on the thoughts that occur in your mind. at times when high, i even cried because i just wanted my soul to be at peace but i knew that peace was many miles away. So from October 30th 2008, up until last night December 30th 2009, my life has been under the influence of a substance other than the thoughts of my own mind...and even though i've recently cut back on weed 75%, im ready to be 100% in control of where my life is order to get back my old ways of living, i must eliminate everything this new life has given to me. its the only way...

when i was a kid, i would play a video game for hours...sometimes until the game itself froze and i would have to manually reset it. The part that sucked about that was that all my progress was lost and i would have to start ALL the way over from where i began. For some reason, i feel that the coming of this new decade is God's gift to me, as he is granting me the chance to pick up life from where i left it on October 30th, 2008. True peace of mind has been on hold, just as my video games back in the day froze...only this time,the progress made won't be a loss. As i get up off my couch, walk over to my dusty Nintendo 64, a piece (peace) of me is regained as i smile to myself and press 'Reset'.

I'm making an honest promise to myself and to God that i will never drink or smoke EVER again..


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